House Crack!fic
Mar. 6th, 2007 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadesfireOh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
The things my friends talk me into.
My only excuse is that Perspi, Pwcorgigirl and Nightdog_barks were doing it. I refuse to be held responsible for my actions.
Thanks guys.
Title: Not even a bathroom
Words: 600ish
Warning/Rating: Only for mild insanity. Even my crack!fic comes out gen...
Summary: Some things should not be read
The door to Wilson's office opened with such force that the pictures rattled on the wall.
"Have you seen this?" House yelled. "Have you?"
"Why no, I don't have a patient in here, Doctor House, but how considerate of you to check." Sighing, Wilson dropped his pen onto the desk and looked up at House.
"Have you read this?" House was brandishing a staple sheaf of papers as though it was a deadly weapon.
Leaning back in his chair, Wilson raised his hands to his temples, screwed up his eyes and squinted hard at the pieces of paper. After a moment, he shook his head.
"Sorry, my x-ray vision appears to be malfunctioning today."
Dropping the papers onto the desk and himself into the visitor's chair, House glared at him. "This is the worst pile of rubbish to be written since Cuddy composed that patient care charter."
Still none-the-wiser, Wilson reached out and pulled the papers towards him. He caught sight of the line across the top of the text and groaned.
"House, didn't we talk about this before?"
"You talked. I ignored you."
Shaking his head, Wilson turned the papers round to get a proper look at the URL. "What's the problem with this one?"
"Do you want the whole list or just the edited highlights?"
"Hang on," Wilson interrupted. "I know this address. What the hell kind of objection could you have to this?"
"That's just my point." House thumped his cane on the ground for emphasis. "There's nothing in it."
"House…"
"I mean nothing!" House went on, ignoring him. "No sex, no violence, no swearing."
"Maybe she's just not that kind of writer."
"No sex," House said again, with emphasis. "No nudity, no suggestive behaviour. There's not even mention of a bathroom! All we get to share is a significant glance, five hundred and forty six words in."
"That's your complaint?" Wilson asked. "That it's too clean? You're actually complaining that, for once, I get to go through a whole story without significant damage to any part of my mind or body and we get to the end without suddenly discovering we're in love with each other? Wild sex doesn't ensue? This is your problem?"
House glowered. "Where's the drama? Where's the sexiness? Where's the frisson?"
"Isn't that a small dog?"
"What?" Thrown from his train of thought, House glared across the desk. "Are you seriously telling me you're ok with this?"
"House, this is something I could let my mother read. Do you expect me to complain?"
House cocked his head. "You tell your mother about these stories? Even the one with the handcuffs and the-"
"What do you think?"
"What about the one with the ties?"
"House!" Getting to his feet, Wilson came round the desk and pulled his office door open again. "Some of us actually have work to do."
"I have work. Somewhere. Probably. But it's lunchtime." Getting to his feet, House took two steps towards the door, paused, then prodded Wilson with his cane. "Do you think we're allowed to eat together?"
Wilson smiled despite himself. "Only if you promise not to eat chocolate cake in a suggestive manner again. You nearly got us banned from the cafeteria last time."
"It was worth it though."
They exchanged a significant look and a smile, then House limped out into the corridor, Wilson close behind him and the pile of papers lying forgotten on his desk.
The things my friends talk me into.
My only excuse is that Perspi, Pwcorgigirl and Nightdog_barks were doing it. I refuse to be held responsible for my actions.
Thanks guys.
Title: Not even a bathroom
Words: 600ish
Warning/Rating: Only for mild insanity. Even my crack!fic comes out gen...
Summary: Some things should not be read
The door to Wilson's office opened with such force that the pictures rattled on the wall.
"Have you seen this?" House yelled. "Have you?"
"Why no, I don't have a patient in here, Doctor House, but how considerate of you to check." Sighing, Wilson dropped his pen onto the desk and looked up at House.
"Have you read this?" House was brandishing a staple sheaf of papers as though it was a deadly weapon.
Leaning back in his chair, Wilson raised his hands to his temples, screwed up his eyes and squinted hard at the pieces of paper. After a moment, he shook his head.
"Sorry, my x-ray vision appears to be malfunctioning today."
Dropping the papers onto the desk and himself into the visitor's chair, House glared at him. "This is the worst pile of rubbish to be written since Cuddy composed that patient care charter."
Still none-the-wiser, Wilson reached out and pulled the papers towards him. He caught sight of the line across the top of the text and groaned.
"House, didn't we talk about this before?"
"You talked. I ignored you."
Shaking his head, Wilson turned the papers round to get a proper look at the URL. "What's the problem with this one?"
"Do you want the whole list or just the edited highlights?"
"Hang on," Wilson interrupted. "I know this address. What the hell kind of objection could you have to this?"
"That's just my point." House thumped his cane on the ground for emphasis. "There's nothing in it."
"House…"
"I mean nothing!" House went on, ignoring him. "No sex, no violence, no swearing."
"Maybe she's just not that kind of writer."
"No sex," House said again, with emphasis. "No nudity, no suggestive behaviour. There's not even mention of a bathroom! All we get to share is a significant glance, five hundred and forty six words in."
"That's your complaint?" Wilson asked. "That it's too clean? You're actually complaining that, for once, I get to go through a whole story without significant damage to any part of my mind or body and we get to the end without suddenly discovering we're in love with each other? Wild sex doesn't ensue? This is your problem?"
House glowered. "Where's the drama? Where's the sexiness? Where's the frisson?"
"Isn't that a small dog?"
"What?" Thrown from his train of thought, House glared across the desk. "Are you seriously telling me you're ok with this?"
"House, this is something I could let my mother read. Do you expect me to complain?"
House cocked his head. "You tell your mother about these stories? Even the one with the handcuffs and the-"
"What do you think?"
"What about the one with the ties?"
"House!" Getting to his feet, Wilson came round the desk and pulled his office door open again. "Some of us actually have work to do."
"I have work. Somewhere. Probably. But it's lunchtime." Getting to his feet, House took two steps towards the door, paused, then prodded Wilson with his cane. "Do you think we're allowed to eat together?"
Wilson smiled despite himself. "Only if you promise not to eat chocolate cake in a suggestive manner again. You nearly got us banned from the cafeteria last time."
"It was worth it though."
They exchanged a significant look and a smile, then House limped out into the corridor, Wilson close behind him and the pile of papers lying forgotten on his desk.