Kindness (Torchwood ficlet)

[jadesfire]

This story is part of my multi-fandom Halloween costume for karaokegirl's Come as you aren't party, being held all this week. The index of stories can be found here

Title: Kindness
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters or Pairing: Jack Harkness
Rating/warnings/spoilers: G/none/for 'Small Worlds'
Word Count: ~300

Summary: He hadn't known it was possible to miss something that was within your reach.



Kindness

I could have seen for miles and miles
I could have made you feel alive

Not a day goes by that Jack doesn't want to tell her. It's not that she's the only woman he's ever loved, or that he somehow thinks they could spend the rest of her life together. But Estelle is a connection to a past he actually has, not one that he stole from someone else or has to keep buried so deep that even he doesn't think about it. She's a real, living part of who he used to be, and he misses her so much it hurts.

He hadn't known it was possible to miss something that was within your reach. She's right there, real and physical and such a very long way away. There have been a hundred times that he could have said something, could have told her that it was him, that he remembered everything and that she'd stayed in his thoughts for forty long years. But for all her talk of fairies and groves and magic, he knows that he can't tell her this. If it was just about keeping his cover intact, he'd tell her in a heartbeat, but it's not.

For the hundredth time, he puts a match to the half-started letter, watching his words crinkle and turn black, then to ashes. How can he tell her that he is unaffected by the years while she has grown relentlessly older? How can he pretend that they can regain what they had, when neither of them are who they used to be? How can he be so cruel as to tell her the truth? He tells himself that it's kinder this way, that there's no time left for them, and that he's doing the right thing.

Except he's not sure if he's doing it for her, or just for himself.

Comments

[asrai99.livejournal.com]

... Meh! *sniffs* I might have to go and read some fluff now, because that fic in connection to your icon just broke my heart a little bit.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I did try and match story to icon where possible.

*passes tissues* Sorry! And thanks :)

[gallifaerie.livejournal.com]

Small Worlds always interested me with Estelle. I'm glad to see a fic kind of analysing it. And it works well; again with last line. It's very final.

I like it a lot. You write very well for someone out of their comfort zone! ^_____^

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I find Jack/Estelle fascinating - I've already written about it once, but it seems I'm interested enough to still find new things to say.

Thank you so much :)

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

*sob* (sorry, not coherent enough more for of a comment than that!0

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

*pets* There, there...

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's heartbreaking but wonderfully written. I love the line about her being "a connection to a past he actually has." That perfectly explains Jack's grief when he found her dead.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

This was the last one I wrote, and it took me forever to find the hook, but then it just seemed to flow.

So glad you enjoyed, thanks :)

[unfeathered]

Oh God, this one's really angsty!

So beautiful. Poor Jack.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

*g* Well, you were warned...

Thanks :)

[miss-zedem.livejournal.com]

But Estelle is a connection to a past he actually has, not one that he stole from someone else That line right there? Killed me. I want to hug Jack now. This was beautiful, hon, just the right side of melancholy.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I swear he only does it for the hugs...

[sunnyrea.livejournal.com]

I love you, as usual. No one ever really explores the Jack and Estelle relationship and this is just lovely!

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I'd love to do more about Jack and Estelle (when plot bunnies allow) because there's just so much potential there.

Glad you liked! Thanks :)

[rustydog.livejournal.com]

What miss_zedem said.

I also really like the last line. That ambiguity in motives is so often present in emotional decisions.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I don't think Jack ever does something for just one reason...

Thanks!

[crystalshard.livejournal.com]

Oh. Yes. Jack might not know, but honestly, I don't either. Great stuff.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[tallulahgs]

The way you write Jack's perception of the relationship feels very IC and plausible. I especially like the line about her being a connection to a real past.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I figured he takes a tremendous risk, making contact with someone who knew him before, and she must have meant a lot to him, for him to do that.

Glad you liked :)

[hellenebright.livejournal.com]

Of all the ones you wrote, there's something particularly sad about this one - perhaps because of all of them, it's the one that might nearly have happened.

BTW-I emailed you about an hour ago. Did you get it?

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Thanks - This was probably the easiest to write, but probably also the hardest, if you see what I mean!

Hmmm...no email, and I've been logged in all afternoon. If it's about TW meta, I was going to email you guys tonight...fell off the wagon a bit this week. Thanks for posting - much appreciated! :)

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

[hellenebright.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Hmm - I thought my email was on the fritz. It was only to say - noticed you were having a spot of bother so I'll take your place.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the clocks going back kind of knocked me about a bit, but I'm starting to do better. Much appreciated :)

[hellenebright.livejournal.com]

Hit me this year as well, at it normally doesn't.... I think maybe we didn't store up enough sunshine because of the bad winter (well, it's a theory)

[szm.livejournal.com]

*hugs Jack* That was beauitful and sad.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

He's only doing it for the hugs, I swear ;)

Thanks!

[moonystone.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. This is beautiful. I always wondered if he wanted to tell her or not, and you wrapped it up percetly.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I think he definitely wanted to tell her, but didn't - I guess this is my version of why not.

Glad you enjoyed :)

[becky-h.livejournal.com]

Beautiful, powerful, sad and just perfect. Tons of (wonderful) emotion, too.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Tons of (wonderful) emotion, too.
*g* well, that's what makes it a costume... ;)

Thanks!

[marvola.livejournal.com]

Really sweet, and oh dear lord your icon... *sniffle*

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

The icon's gorgeous, isn't it? it's by indiefairy.

Thank you :)

[msp-hacker.livejournal.com]

Aww. Jack.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I know!

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

Joining the "awwwwwwwww" brigade. I love Jack when he's IN LOVE, even when it makes him suffer. You do this SO very well.
Except he's not sure if he's doing it for her, or just for himself.
You are the Queen of KELs!

So many lovely costumes. Thanks again for bringing them all to the party.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Hee. I wasn't trying to kill anyone, honest :) But Jack and Estelle is definitely a pairing that's made for angst.

Thanks!

[laurab1.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jack.

Yes, this makes perfect sense.

(Jack and alive!Estelle from my Small Worlds AU are babbling in my head about going dancing :) )