SGA Crack!fic: Smitefulness (Gen; PG)
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadesfireThis whole thing is ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
perspi's fault. Nothing to do with me. Originally locked to my friends list, but now I know that if I'm mad, I'm not mad alone, I fell better about unlocking it.
Now with extra thanks todeelaundry for getting me on the right side of the Atlantic ;)
Title: Smitefulness
Author:jadesfire2808 I deny everything.
Words: ~1300
Rating: PG
Warnings: insanity is catching - you get it from your flist.
Summary: Don't you just wish you had one of these?
Smitefulness
"What does it do?"
Rodney was bending so close to the console that his nose was practically touching it. He didn't seem to have heard the question.
"Huh."
"Rodney." When that still didn't get him a reply, Sheppard leaned over and prodded him none-to-gently in the shoulder. "What. Does. It. Do?"
"If you let me look at it instead of assaulting me, I might be able to work it out."
Pulling a face that was completely lost on the back of Rodney's head, Sheppard gave his arm another poke before moving round to get a better look at the console.
"We're a pretty long way out from the main city," he said after another minute of almost-silence; Rodney had never mastered the whole 'thinking inside your own head' thing and kept muttering unintelligible syllables under his breath. "I'm just saying, it's either going to be pretty weird or pretty boring."
"Well most of this stuff is pretty normal." Rodney straightened a little, grimacing and stretching his shoulders. "Sensor arrays, communications, life signs detector, but this." He tapped his finger next to the large, glowing red button that had been preoccupying him. "This is something new."
"Bad new or good new?"
It was entirely possible that Rodney was inventing new levels of sarcasm and saving them up for special occasions such as this. "I don't know," he said in what sounded like his 'children, idiots and Sheppard' voice times about a hundred. "On account of the whole 'not having seen it before' thing. It could be anything from a toaster to a weapons platform."
Shrugging, Sheppard leaned against the console. "You could press it and find out."
"Oh, and that's when you want to discover that it's the quick self-destruct button, is it?"
"So find out what it is."
"Don't you have underlings to annoy?" Rodney asked, turning away and pressing a button that brought up a HUD.
"Nope." Making himself more comfortable against the console, Sheppard watched the display shift as Rodney pressed some of the more familiar buttons. "Nothing better to do."
"I'm honored."
Ten minutes later, and Sheppard was starting to wish he'd taken Teyla up on the offer to accompany her to the mainland. Rodney scowled or tutted at him every time her tried to ask a question, and watching line after line of incomprehensible Ancient scroll past wasn't his idea of a fun afternoon. Baiting Rodney was his idea of a fun afternoon, but when the other man was this preoccupied, even that ceased to be entertaining.
He was sitting on the floor, wondering if he could convince one of the computer specialists to build some kind of game into a life signs detector (nothing fancy, he'd settle for Pong, although Sonic would be a whole lot more fun) when Rodney made his 'aha' noise.
"You know what it is?" Sheppard tucked the LSD away again and made his way over to the console.
"Not exactly, but I'm fairly sure it's not dangerous." Rodney's hands moved confidently over the buttons, although Sheppard noticed he still didn't go near the big red one. "It's a prototype surveillance system of some kind, almost like a more sensitive version of the life signs detector, so that it can tell who people are, as well as where. I had to put some details in, cross-reference with the medical databases and add a few notes of my own, but watch this." Shifting the display, Rodney brought up a schematic of the 'gate control room, with the small glowing dots of the LSD replaced with-
"Is that Elizabeth?"
Rodney had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "I had it use the photos out of our files. Although apparently it can use Atlantis' own cameras to put faces to the," he waved a hand vaguely, "dots."
Titling his head, Sheppard watched Elizabeth make her way back to her office. It was a little weird, watching her disembodied head move around the screen, and so it took a moment for Rodney's words to sink in. "Atlantis has cameras?"
"Sure." The schematic shrank, moving to the left-hand side of the display, as the right-hand side filled with pictures. There was the 'gateroom, then the mess hall, then the gym where Teyla was teaching one of the marines exactly why it was a bad idea to judge her by her size, then they were back in the 'gateroom, watching the wormhole open and a team head through it.
"Cool."
"Useful, I'd say."
Something in Rodney's voice made Sheppard look over, only to see the other man's eyes drifting back to the red button again.
"Still don't know what that's for?"
Rodney shook his head. "There's nothing about it anywhere."
"But you said the console's not dangerous."
"Not as far as I can tell."
"So what's the harm in pressing it?"
"You want the list of horrible things that could happen if we do?"
"Who said anything about 'we'?" When Rodney gave him an exasperated look, Sheppard grinned. "You're the scientist."
"You're not going to stop bugging me until I press it, are you?"
"Nope."
Screwing up his face, Rodney slowly began to move his hand towards the button. As he did so, the camera feed on the HUD changed, bringing up someone in a dark corridor.
"Who's that?" Sheppard asked automatically, only to have the LSD supply the answer. "What's Kavanagh doing all the way down there?"
"What?" Hand still hovering over the button, Rodney looked up at the display. "Oh." He colored a little, clearing his throat before speaking. "Some of the bathrooms have been flooding lately. Needed an engineer to look at them."
"So you sent him?"
"Uh. Yeah."
"Good."
"It's weird though," Rodney said thoughtfully, "I was just thinking about that a minute ago. You know he made Martelli in Botany cry the other day?"
"You make people cry all the time."
"That's because not everyone is mature enough to accept constructive criticism."
"You yell at them, Rodney."
"I get carried away."
"Rodney." The tone was enough to drag Rodney's attention back to Sheppard, who gestured at the console. "Are you going to push that or not?"
"Oh." Looking as though he'd forgotten that's what they were doing, Rodney flexed his fingers, then pressed them gently against the glowing red button. "What's the worst that can happen?"
Both their attentions were drawn to the display as the camera image filled the whole screen space.
The Atlantis cameras were apparently visual-only, but Sheppard didn't have to hear anything to tell when someone was swearing a blue streak. He was also profoundly grateful that the display didn't convey smell as well as pictures, because really? Ew. From the looks of him, Kavanagh was going to live, but it was doubtful that anyone would be going near him in the immediate future. Not without a hazmat suit, anyway.
When he trusted himself enough, Sheppard looked over at Rodney, who was doing a much, much worse job of suppressing his smile. Catching Sheppard's eye, he had the grace to look embarrassed for a moment, then saw that Sheppard was thinking exactly the same thing, and he gave a slow, sly smile.
"So, Major. Anyone ticked you off recently?"
He really shouldn't. This was abuse of power and ethically dodgy on about a hundred different levels. But then again…
"You know, one of the guys from linguistics cut in line at lunch the other day."
Rodney gave him a look. "That's on a par with Kavanagh being, well, Kavanagh?"
"He got the last oatmeal muffin."
Tilting his head to the side, Rodney considered. Then he stepped back, giving Sheppard room. "That sounds reasonable. Smite away."
perspi's fault. Nothing to do with me. Originally locked to my friends list, but now I know that if I'm mad, I'm not mad alone, I fell better about unlocking it.Now with extra thanks to
deelaundry for getting me on the right side of the Atlantic ;)Title: Smitefulness
Author:
jadesfire2808Words: ~1300
Rating: PG
Warnings: insanity is catching - you get it from your flist.
Summary: Don't you just wish you had one of these?
"What does it do?"
Rodney was bending so close to the console that his nose was practically touching it. He didn't seem to have heard the question.
"Huh."
"Rodney." When that still didn't get him a reply, Sheppard leaned over and prodded him none-to-gently in the shoulder. "What. Does. It. Do?"
"If you let me look at it instead of assaulting me, I might be able to work it out."
Pulling a face that was completely lost on the back of Rodney's head, Sheppard gave his arm another poke before moving round to get a better look at the console.
"We're a pretty long way out from the main city," he said after another minute of almost-silence; Rodney had never mastered the whole 'thinking inside your own head' thing and kept muttering unintelligible syllables under his breath. "I'm just saying, it's either going to be pretty weird or pretty boring."
"Well most of this stuff is pretty normal." Rodney straightened a little, grimacing and stretching his shoulders. "Sensor arrays, communications, life signs detector, but this." He tapped his finger next to the large, glowing red button that had been preoccupying him. "This is something new."
"Bad new or good new?"
It was entirely possible that Rodney was inventing new levels of sarcasm and saving them up for special occasions such as this. "I don't know," he said in what sounded like his 'children, idiots and Sheppard' voice times about a hundred. "On account of the whole 'not having seen it before' thing. It could be anything from a toaster to a weapons platform."
Shrugging, Sheppard leaned against the console. "You could press it and find out."
"Oh, and that's when you want to discover that it's the quick self-destruct button, is it?"
"So find out what it is."
"Don't you have underlings to annoy?" Rodney asked, turning away and pressing a button that brought up a HUD.
"Nope." Making himself more comfortable against the console, Sheppard watched the display shift as Rodney pressed some of the more familiar buttons. "Nothing better to do."
"I'm honored."
Ten minutes later, and Sheppard was starting to wish he'd taken Teyla up on the offer to accompany her to the mainland. Rodney scowled or tutted at him every time her tried to ask a question, and watching line after line of incomprehensible Ancient scroll past wasn't his idea of a fun afternoon. Baiting Rodney was his idea of a fun afternoon, but when the other man was this preoccupied, even that ceased to be entertaining.
He was sitting on the floor, wondering if he could convince one of the computer specialists to build some kind of game into a life signs detector (nothing fancy, he'd settle for Pong, although Sonic would be a whole lot more fun) when Rodney made his 'aha' noise.
"You know what it is?" Sheppard tucked the LSD away again and made his way over to the console.
"Not exactly, but I'm fairly sure it's not dangerous." Rodney's hands moved confidently over the buttons, although Sheppard noticed he still didn't go near the big red one. "It's a prototype surveillance system of some kind, almost like a more sensitive version of the life signs detector, so that it can tell who people are, as well as where. I had to put some details in, cross-reference with the medical databases and add a few notes of my own, but watch this." Shifting the display, Rodney brought up a schematic of the 'gate control room, with the small glowing dots of the LSD replaced with-
"Is that Elizabeth?"
Rodney had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "I had it use the photos out of our files. Although apparently it can use Atlantis' own cameras to put faces to the," he waved a hand vaguely, "dots."
Titling his head, Sheppard watched Elizabeth make her way back to her office. It was a little weird, watching her disembodied head move around the screen, and so it took a moment for Rodney's words to sink in. "Atlantis has cameras?"
"Sure." The schematic shrank, moving to the left-hand side of the display, as the right-hand side filled with pictures. There was the 'gateroom, then the mess hall, then the gym where Teyla was teaching one of the marines exactly why it was a bad idea to judge her by her size, then they were back in the 'gateroom, watching the wormhole open and a team head through it.
"Cool."
"Useful, I'd say."
Something in Rodney's voice made Sheppard look over, only to see the other man's eyes drifting back to the red button again.
"Still don't know what that's for?"
Rodney shook his head. "There's nothing about it anywhere."
"But you said the console's not dangerous."
"Not as far as I can tell."
"So what's the harm in pressing it?"
"You want the list of horrible things that could happen if we do?"
"Who said anything about 'we'?" When Rodney gave him an exasperated look, Sheppard grinned. "You're the scientist."
"You're not going to stop bugging me until I press it, are you?"
"Nope."
Screwing up his face, Rodney slowly began to move his hand towards the button. As he did so, the camera feed on the HUD changed, bringing up someone in a dark corridor.
"Who's that?" Sheppard asked automatically, only to have the LSD supply the answer. "What's Kavanagh doing all the way down there?"
"What?" Hand still hovering over the button, Rodney looked up at the display. "Oh." He colored a little, clearing his throat before speaking. "Some of the bathrooms have been flooding lately. Needed an engineer to look at them."
"So you sent him?"
"Uh. Yeah."
"Good."
"It's weird though," Rodney said thoughtfully, "I was just thinking about that a minute ago. You know he made Martelli in Botany cry the other day?"
"You make people cry all the time."
"That's because not everyone is mature enough to accept constructive criticism."
"You yell at them, Rodney."
"I get carried away."
"Rodney." The tone was enough to drag Rodney's attention back to Sheppard, who gestured at the console. "Are you going to push that or not?"
"Oh." Looking as though he'd forgotten that's what they were doing, Rodney flexed his fingers, then pressed them gently against the glowing red button. "What's the worst that can happen?"
Both their attentions were drawn to the display as the camera image filled the whole screen space.
The Atlantis cameras were apparently visual-only, but Sheppard didn't have to hear anything to tell when someone was swearing a blue streak. He was also profoundly grateful that the display didn't convey smell as well as pictures, because really? Ew. From the looks of him, Kavanagh was going to live, but it was doubtful that anyone would be going near him in the immediate future. Not without a hazmat suit, anyway.
When he trusted himself enough, Sheppard looked over at Rodney, who was doing a much, much worse job of suppressing his smile. Catching Sheppard's eye, he had the grace to look embarrassed for a moment, then saw that Sheppard was thinking exactly the same thing, and he gave a slow, sly smile.
"So, Major. Anyone ticked you off recently?"
He really shouldn't. This was abuse of power and ethically dodgy on about a hundred different levels. But then again…
"You know, one of the guys from linguistics cut in line at lunch the other day."
Rodney gave him a look. "That's on a par with Kavanagh being, well, Kavanagh?"
"He got the last oatmeal muffin."
Tilting his head to the side, Rodney considered. Then he stepped back, giving Sheppard room. "That sounds reasonable. Smite away."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 06:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 06:27 pm (UTC)I'm thinking of getting one for the library especially for annoying readers ;D
Glad it made sense to someone else - I find crack worryingly easy to write but am never sure it's funny outside my own head...
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 06:42 pm (UTC)*flails in mad giggling fit*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 07:52 pm (UTC)At least if I'm mad, you're all mad with me :D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 06:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 07:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 07:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 07:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 08:04 pm (UTC)Reminds me of a quote from Orbital Artillery in another fandom: "We are not God. We just borrowed his 'Smite' button."
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 08:16 pm (UTC)Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 08:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 08:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 10:11 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed, thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 09:29 pm (UTC)This is utterly delightful. I'm sure I'll spend my evening thinking up ways I could use the smite button.
"You make people cry all the time."
"That's because not everyone is mature enough to accept constructive criticism."
PERFECT!
(PS. Sheppard would be more likely to say "cut in line at lunch" instead of "jumped the lunch queue.")
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 10:12 pm (UTC)Thanks!
(and thanks! will correct)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-04 11:48 pm (UTC)