(no subject)
Oct. 3rd, 2006 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadesfireAh, the joy of customer services. As pwcorgigirl recently reported, phoning service call centres can be a challenging experience.
One of my favourite comedians, Marcus Brigstocke, has a wonderful rant about the phone company BT*. Sadly, it's gone from the net, but I've got it on my MP3 player.
*In “The Now Show” from April earlier this year. Very funny – worth listening to via the internet.
pwcorgigirl recently reported, phoning service call centres can be a challenging experience. One of my favourite comedians, Marcus Brigstocke, has a wonderful rant about the phone company BT*. Sadly, it's gone from the net, but I've got it on my MP3 player.
Selected highlights include:
“[quotes BT] ‘We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls today’
Unusually high level of calls? Right, I called two days ago and they were unusually high. I called yesterday: unusually high. Here I am again and they’re unusually high today, making the unusual element the one thing that may in fact be deemed usual!
[BT voice again] ‘We are experiencing roughly the same volume of calls as usual, but can’t be arsed to do anything about it’”
"This is what they do, they drive you mad, you see. They only let you speak to an automated machine that can’t hear you. This is done so that if you ever get through to a real person, you’re already on the verge of hysteria.
‘For existing BT customers, please press one. For new customers or to start an account, please press two. For billing enquiries, please press three. For Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, please press four.’”
“So no broadband for me. Well, I say that. I did have it, briefly, before it was taken away again, you know, just to make sure I am turned into the information superhighway equivalent of Gollum. [in Lord of the Rings voice]: “MMm we wants broadband, we wants it. Dirty little BTses takes it from us but it’s minses. Wants to research for writing, wants to download fatass tunses from the interweb. Mmm, it’s minses, Smeagel wants Google!”
And so on. When I first heard it, I thought it was classic hyperbole, very funny and nearly killed myself laughing.
Then I had to ring BT and, I kid you not, the first thing you hear is:
“We are currently experiencing a high level of calls. We are open on Sunday. Please call back then.”
Excuse me? Call back tomorrow? What kind of a service is that? If someone tries to return a book to the library, it’s no good my turning round and saying ‘sorry, mate, there’s other people wanting to do that too. Can you come back tomorrow?’ because at that point they’d be within their rights to thump me with the Hittite dictionary they’re holding.
So I held on. And on. And on. But, God bless ‘em, they don’t subject you to music while you’re waiting to talk to someone. That only comes when the person you’ve talked to for a whole five seconds puts you on hold. Given the amount of time you are usually holding for these things, why don’t they play a longer section of music? I mean, I got the usual Mozart (Dah. Da dah. Da da da da da dah.) but I heard the same bit four times. I’m pretty sure Mozart wrote more than that. There’s got to be potential there for educating the masses in classical music. ‘Ring BT and learn about Beethoven’. It’s education by stealth.
When you are finally ready to fling the phone across the room, someone will pick up at the other end. Unfortunately, this person is in India. Actually, I don’t know that, it’s just that so many of them are nowadays. Wherever she was, the (possibly very nice) lady I talked to had a very strong accent and a very soft voice and spoke at approximately the speed of a humming bird’s wings. I just about made out the words ‘account’ and ‘name’ and had to use my deductive powers to figure out what she was asking.
Trial, error and much repetition later, we got the line disconnected (not while I was on it). But to set up a new line at my new address in my new name was not possible. I had to wait seven days and ring back.
Why?
It’s all new details – even my bank account is different. So why do I have to wait to call back? Meanwhile, we are left with mobiles that only work in the flat if you stand very, very still in the corner of the bedroom. If I thought doing a handstand would help, I’d learn how. Instant messaging may be the way forward, except to do that at home, I’ll need broadband. For which I’ll need a BT line. For which I’ll need to call BT.
Anyone got a carrier pigeon?
“[quotes BT] ‘We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls today’
Unusually high level of calls? Right, I called two days ago and they were unusually high. I called yesterday: unusually high. Here I am again and they’re unusually high today, making the unusual element the one thing that may in fact be deemed usual!
[BT voice again] ‘We are experiencing roughly the same volume of calls as usual, but can’t be arsed to do anything about it’”
"This is what they do, they drive you mad, you see. They only let you speak to an automated machine that can’t hear you. This is done so that if you ever get through to a real person, you’re already on the verge of hysteria.
‘For existing BT customers, please press one. For new customers or to start an account, please press two. For billing enquiries, please press three. For Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, please press four.’”
“So no broadband for me. Well, I say that. I did have it, briefly, before it was taken away again, you know, just to make sure I am turned into the information superhighway equivalent of Gollum. [in Lord of the Rings voice]: “MMm we wants broadband, we wants it. Dirty little BTses takes it from us but it’s minses. Wants to research for writing, wants to download fatass tunses from the interweb. Mmm, it’s minses, Smeagel wants Google!”
And so on. When I first heard it, I thought it was classic hyperbole, very funny and nearly killed myself laughing.
Then I had to ring BT and, I kid you not, the first thing you hear is:
“We are currently experiencing a high level of calls. We are open on Sunday. Please call back then.”
Excuse me? Call back tomorrow? What kind of a service is that? If someone tries to return a book to the library, it’s no good my turning round and saying ‘sorry, mate, there’s other people wanting to do that too. Can you come back tomorrow?’ because at that point they’d be within their rights to thump me with the Hittite dictionary they’re holding.
So I held on. And on. And on. But, God bless ‘em, they don’t subject you to music while you’re waiting to talk to someone. That only comes when the person you’ve talked to for a whole five seconds puts you on hold. Given the amount of time you are usually holding for these things, why don’t they play a longer section of music? I mean, I got the usual Mozart (Dah. Da dah. Da da da da da dah.) but I heard the same bit four times. I’m pretty sure Mozart wrote more than that. There’s got to be potential there for educating the masses in classical music. ‘Ring BT and learn about Beethoven’. It’s education by stealth.
When you are finally ready to fling the phone across the room, someone will pick up at the other end. Unfortunately, this person is in India. Actually, I don’t know that, it’s just that so many of them are nowadays. Wherever she was, the (possibly very nice) lady I talked to had a very strong accent and a very soft voice and spoke at approximately the speed of a humming bird’s wings. I just about made out the words ‘account’ and ‘name’ and had to use my deductive powers to figure out what she was asking.
Trial, error and much repetition later, we got the line disconnected (not while I was on it). But to set up a new line at my new address in my new name was not possible. I had to wait seven days and ring back.
Why?
It’s all new details – even my bank account is different. So why do I have to wait to call back? Meanwhile, we are left with mobiles that only work in the flat if you stand very, very still in the corner of the bedroom. If I thought doing a handstand would help, I’d learn how. Instant messaging may be the way forward, except to do that at home, I’ll need broadband. For which I’ll need a BT line. For which I’ll need to call BT.
Anyone got a carrier pigeon?
*In “The Now Show” from April earlier this year. Very funny – worth listening to via the internet.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-03 02:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-04 07:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-03 04:43 pm (UTC)I think even short snippets of Mozart would be preferable to the nearly universal wait-time message in the U.S. -- "Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line; a representative will be with you in a moment."
After you hear that 9,000 times in five minutes, you're ready to confess to anything up to and including war crimes. Maybe there's a subtle brainwashing message hidden in the phrase? Possibly something like: "You love AT&T. You will not cancel your service. Resistance is futile."
That is simply insane that BT won't let you turn on your new line for seven days. Especially since these days a criminal could be into your banking info with the snap of his fingers, but it takes the phone company a week? Oh, please.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-04 08:15 am (UTC)BT don't bother with subliminal messaging - they just tell you it's going to be ages so please use the website instead. If I could use the website for what I wanted, I wouldn't be sitting staring at the wall while the phone rings, would I?
Just to contrast, my bank has an arrangement where you type your phone number in, and they call you back. Within ten minutes usually. This is a bank, who don't have complete control over all the phone lines in the country. And yet the telecoms company can't manage that...
Is it me?