From the evening shift
Nov. 2nd, 2006 07:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadesfireIt's not a full moon tonight, is it? Cos I'm feeling decidedly daft...as the below proves.
Warnings for great silliness and mild hyperbole.
Shelving
or
No way on earth did you read all of these books
A Tragedy in 1000 words*
Johnny Undergrad was pleased with himself. Having passed the Level As with a run of As and considerable aplomb, he had faced the final challenge of Interview and triumphed. Now, with his place at Universitas Oxoniensia taken up, he felt free to immerse himself in the pleasures of Higher Education. Borders, HMV and Starbucks; all were included on his Grand Tour. At last though, the day came when he had to face his greatest challenge: The Library.
Now Johnny Undergrad was a cunning soul, and devised a brilliant plan.
“Ah-ha!” he said to himself. “I have a brilliant plan. If I use an extra-long lead for my fold-out computer, I will be able to use it without leaving my bed.”
And so he did. Lying beneath his College-supplied, extra-thin duvet, he wrestled with the online catalogue, did battle with the E-Resources Gateway and even managed to decode the mysteries of JSTOR. At last, he had the information he needed and the final ShelfMark lay in front of him.
It was at this point that he realised he was going to have to get out of bed. And he cursed.
He arose early the following morning, before eleven of the clock, and walked the five hundred yards to the library door. Heedless of the signs, he walked straight in, pushing the first set of doors with confidence, and swiping his card at the entry gate with the poise that only Oxoniensia initiates possess. And yet the portal refused to open for him.
“Gadzooks,” he thought, “am I to fail so soon? Perhaps I should have stayed in bed?”
No amount of waving and shouting could persuade the Librarians to admit him.
“You need to speak to the Porters!” they cried.
“Why?” Johnny cried back, brandishing his Admittance Card as thought it were a talisman.
“Because we can’t open the gates from here!” the Librarians replied, turning back to the enormous queue of people that had formed while they were trying to get Johnny to just turn around and talk to the Porter, who was standing behind him.
Once the Porter had performed his arcane mystery at the computer, Johnny was able to enter The Library. There were books. Many books. Many shelves of books. So many books. He had the ShelfMark. He was standing in front of the map. And yet he was unable to decipher the mystery.
But Johnny was a Man. Moreover he was an Oxoniensia Man. He would not do anything so sensible as to ask for directions. And so he walked to his right, looking at the shelf labels and book labels, and feeling increasingly lost. After an age of walking, he found that he had arrived back at his starting place.
“I say,” he thought, “what kind of a rummy place is this? I will try walking the other way.”
And so he did. And, after another age of walking, he found himself back in front of the map, with his back to the smiling Librarians.
“Ah-ha,” he thought, “there is some trick to this. I will have to ask the Staff for help, for they seem friendly enough.”
And so he asked, and the Librarians pointed and – O mirabile! – there was the bookcase Johnny needed. Using his keen intelligence, powers of observation and knowledge of the alphabet, he managed to find the shelf that should have held his book.
But his book was not there.
“What!” Johnny thought, “Why is it not here? Where is it? How can this be? Who can have taken it? When did they do it?” And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth. Johnny faced the shelf, determination on his face and blackness in his heart. “If I cannot have my book,” he said, “then no-one shall be able to find their books.”
And so he began to take books from the very top shelf, placing them in piles on lower shelves. More and more books he moved, until the shelves were covered in books all in the wrong places. One book did fall to the floor, and yet he heeded it not. Only as he moved the last book from the section did he look at the label on it.
“Lummy,” he thought. “This is my book.” He surveyed the havoc he had wreaked on the Euripides section. “Crumbs,” he thought. “That’s a bit of a mess.”
And he went and checked his book out.
Some time later, the Late-shift Librarian was coming to the end of her Shelving Rotation. It had been a long and wearisome day, and she was looking forward to the satisfaction of putting the last book back where it had come from. The work had taken longer than expected because every time she turned her back, the readers placed another pile of books on the shelving points, just to tease her. And so, when she came to the Euripides section, it was with difficulty that she refrained from a scream. There were books everywhere. All over the shelves, all over the step stool, and one – horror of horrors – open on the floor.
“Who could have done such a terrible thing?” she wondered, looking with tear-filled eyes at the carnage before her. “And what the hell am I supposed to about it.”
There was nothing to be done. And so with a heavy heart and wanton disregard for health and safety, she climbed onto the step stool (after clearing it of books, of course) and began to put everything back. It was a long and lonesome task because the shelf was very high and she and the step stool were both rather short. When she had finished, she stepped backwards to survey her work, forgetting that she was on a step stool.
“Ow,” said the Librarian.
And so the work was at last complete. And with a sore back, head and arm, but a lighter heart, the Librarian was able to return to the safety of the Main Desk and watch funny cats on YouTube. But Johnny Undergrad should be very careful because, if she ever discovers who it was that brought chaos to the Euripides section, she will block his reader’s card for a month.
The End.
*Names have been changed but the little blighter knows who he is. Just wait til I find out...
Warnings for great silliness and mild hyperbole.
or
No way on earth did you read all of these books
A Tragedy in 1000 words*
Johnny Undergrad was pleased with himself. Having passed the Level As with a run of As and considerable aplomb, he had faced the final challenge of Interview and triumphed. Now, with his place at Universitas Oxoniensia taken up, he felt free to immerse himself in the pleasures of Higher Education. Borders, HMV and Starbucks; all were included on his Grand Tour. At last though, the day came when he had to face his greatest challenge: The Library.
Now Johnny Undergrad was a cunning soul, and devised a brilliant plan.
“Ah-ha!” he said to himself. “I have a brilliant plan. If I use an extra-long lead for my fold-out computer, I will be able to use it without leaving my bed.”
And so he did. Lying beneath his College-supplied, extra-thin duvet, he wrestled with the online catalogue, did battle with the E-Resources Gateway and even managed to decode the mysteries of JSTOR. At last, he had the information he needed and the final ShelfMark lay in front of him.
It was at this point that he realised he was going to have to get out of bed. And he cursed.
He arose early the following morning, before eleven of the clock, and walked the five hundred yards to the library door. Heedless of the signs, he walked straight in, pushing the first set of doors with confidence, and swiping his card at the entry gate with the poise that only Oxoniensia initiates possess. And yet the portal refused to open for him.
“Gadzooks,” he thought, “am I to fail so soon? Perhaps I should have stayed in bed?”
No amount of waving and shouting could persuade the Librarians to admit him.
“You need to speak to the Porters!” they cried.
“Why?” Johnny cried back, brandishing his Admittance Card as thought it were a talisman.
“Because we can’t open the gates from here!” the Librarians replied, turning back to the enormous queue of people that had formed while they were trying to get Johnny to just turn around and talk to the Porter, who was standing behind him.
Once the Porter had performed his arcane mystery at the computer, Johnny was able to enter The Library. There were books. Many books. Many shelves of books. So many books. He had the ShelfMark. He was standing in front of the map. And yet he was unable to decipher the mystery.
But Johnny was a Man. Moreover he was an Oxoniensia Man. He would not do anything so sensible as to ask for directions. And so he walked to his right, looking at the shelf labels and book labels, and feeling increasingly lost. After an age of walking, he found that he had arrived back at his starting place.
“I say,” he thought, “what kind of a rummy place is this? I will try walking the other way.”
And so he did. And, after another age of walking, he found himself back in front of the map, with his back to the smiling Librarians.
“Ah-ha,” he thought, “there is some trick to this. I will have to ask the Staff for help, for they seem friendly enough.”
And so he asked, and the Librarians pointed and – O mirabile! – there was the bookcase Johnny needed. Using his keen intelligence, powers of observation and knowledge of the alphabet, he managed to find the shelf that should have held his book.
But his book was not there.
“What!” Johnny thought, “Why is it not here? Where is it? How can this be? Who can have taken it? When did they do it?” And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth. Johnny faced the shelf, determination on his face and blackness in his heart. “If I cannot have my book,” he said, “then no-one shall be able to find their books.”
And so he began to take books from the very top shelf, placing them in piles on lower shelves. More and more books he moved, until the shelves were covered in books all in the wrong places. One book did fall to the floor, and yet he heeded it not. Only as he moved the last book from the section did he look at the label on it.
“Lummy,” he thought. “This is my book.” He surveyed the havoc he had wreaked on the Euripides section. “Crumbs,” he thought. “That’s a bit of a mess.”
And he went and checked his book out.
Some time later, the Late-shift Librarian was coming to the end of her Shelving Rotation. It had been a long and wearisome day, and she was looking forward to the satisfaction of putting the last book back where it had come from. The work had taken longer than expected because every time she turned her back, the readers placed another pile of books on the shelving points, just to tease her. And so, when she came to the Euripides section, it was with difficulty that she refrained from a scream. There were books everywhere. All over the shelves, all over the step stool, and one – horror of horrors – open on the floor.
“Who could have done such a terrible thing?” she wondered, looking with tear-filled eyes at the carnage before her. “And what the hell am I supposed to about it.”
There was nothing to be done. And so with a heavy heart and wanton disregard for health and safety, she climbed onto the step stool (after clearing it of books, of course) and began to put everything back. It was a long and lonesome task because the shelf was very high and she and the step stool were both rather short. When she had finished, she stepped backwards to survey her work, forgetting that she was on a step stool.
“Ow,” said the Librarian.
And so the work was at last complete. And with a sore back, head and arm, but a lighter heart, the Librarian was able to return to the safety of the Main Desk and watch funny cats on YouTube. But Johnny Undergrad should be very careful because, if she ever discovers who it was that brought chaos to the Euripides section, she will block his reader’s card for a month.
The End.
*Names have been changed but the little blighter knows who he is. Just wait til I find out...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-02 09:41 pm (UTC)Johnny Undergrad needs poking with a very sharp stick. Repeatedly.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-03 09:09 am (UTC)Aww, thanks. I sometimes think it should be part of the fine system - return too many books late and get a clip round the earhole along with your £1 fine.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-03 11:09 am (UTC)I ALWAYS put the books back in the right place though. My librarian mother would have killed me if she ever heard otherwise!