Wonderful randomness
Apr. 12th, 2007 07:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadesfireI'm waist deep in mud on The Wandering Years at the moment but I found a sheet of paper with these on in the staff room this morning and they made me smile.
From the Daily Telegraph
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
From The Manchester Evening News
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
From The Guardian
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
From The Times
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common."
From the Aberdeen Evening Express
at the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
Bournemouth Evening Echo
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. H was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses cam up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
And some actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...
1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3. "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now...'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'"
5. "We are now travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourself in like sardine, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12. "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause.) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14. "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
I love London.
From the Daily Telegraph
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
From The Manchester Evening News
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
From The Guardian
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
From The Times
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common."
From the Aberdeen Evening Express
at the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
Bournemouth Evening Echo
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. H was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses cam up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
And some actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...
1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3. "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now...'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'"
5. "We are now travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourself in like sardine, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12. "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause.) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14. "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
I love London.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 07:56 am (UTC)"To the gentleman wearing the long grey cat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
but it made me bark with laughter *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 08:14 am (UTC)*toddles off to an an 'o'*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 08:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 08:12 am (UTC)9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
*snort*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 08:20 am (UTC)I like the "Stop eating your pie!" one best I think - it's good to be specific..
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 11:15 am (UTC)I prefer the explosion. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 12:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 12:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 12:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 02:35 pm (UTC)*grin* Thanks, I needed that.
As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.
*snicker*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 02:40 pm (UTC)*joins you giggling in the corner* ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 06:15 pm (UTC)I wonder what other historical people it knows?
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 09:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 02:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 02:57 pm (UTC)They've got to do something to alleviate the boredom. Most modern tube trains are self-running - they don't need a driver, but he's there because people freak if there isn't one. but it's slightly disconcerting when the train pulls into the station and he doesn't look up from his book...
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 06:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 09:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-12 10:07 pm (UTC)